So I walk up on high

And I step to the edge

To see my world below.

And I laugh at myself

As the years roll down.

’cause it’s the world I know.

It’s the world I know.

~Collective Soul Well, a lot has happened since my last post, sorry to be so late with this. I have my own apartment now, all to myself... well, I did get a kitten, so I guess it's just me and my cat. Her name is Isis and she just turned 3 months old on the 20th. You know, it's amazing how good of friends you can be with the people you have to live with, and then when you move a few miles away, it's like you moved out of the state. The two people I didn't live with, I'm better friends with, Rachel and Paul. I talk to them more than anyone now. For the past three weeks, I've received a lot of phone calls... from three people: Rachel, my mom, and Paul (who doesn't even have a cell phone!). My AIM is always up, and who do I talk to online? Rachel, Paul and Brad. My email is checked constantly, and who do I get email from? Rachel and junk mail. I've lived here since the 16th of August, and Paul and Rachel are the only to who've stopped by to visit. Distance really brings out the best in friendships. From a few blocks to a few hundred miles, some things just don't change, while others fade away. I can call my friends back home, or talk to them online, Brad, Paul, Sarah V, Sarah, Nick, Mary or Helena, it's like I never left, nothings changed. Others have faded away. I wanted isolation, and that's what I got. I actually have time now, time to do my work, and do what I want to do. I answer to no one but myself. I've taken on so much responsibility, from caring for my cat, to keeping my apartment clean, to working at Best Buy, doing my homework, etc... It's great, I'm living better on my own than I was when I was on my own with Casey. I look back on that and wonder how and why we lived like we did. I have so much more now than I did with her. I can do so much more than I ever did when I was with her. I haven't done anything different, I'm even back in the same apartment that her and I shared! If only she could have waited a few months, till the summer, she'd have everything. She missed out big time, but I still miss my friend Casey. She was one of my best friends, and a constant reminder of how easily a best friend can leave your life. I only hope that she's happy with the choices she's made. I still love her, and I just want her to be happy. As I sit back and wonder why... and where it all went... and how to get that all back...

I said I wasn't going to do this... but It's been so long, and frankly, this is one of my best outlets for my thoughts. It seems that when a thought gets into my head, it rolls around until it finds an outlet to the outside world, after which it's usually said and done with. My decision to move back to the apartment that Casey and I lived in when we first moved down here was motivated by several reasons. Firstly, I needed an apartment, and I wanted it to be quiet, and if that meant living alone, then so be it. Secondly, this apartment has been one of the last places I have left down here that has that negative feeling attached to it. Everytime I'd drive by this place, I'd flip it off, essentially flipping the memories I had of this place off. It did no good, accomplished nothing. Psychology has taught me that I should confront things that bother me. I decided that if I lived here, and made good memories, they'd outweigh the old memories I have of this place. I understand it's going to take awhile, and it won't happen before those old memories come back to haunt me. I didn't think they'd be as bad or hit me as hard as they have. Not only am I remembering what happened in the apartment behind me (Yes, my apartment is on the opposite wall as my old apartment), but I'm bringing back almost all the memories I had with Casey. Each night is worse and worse, and it's getting more and more vivid. The most surprising aspect, is the sense of smell. I can vividly remember specific and unique scents; like of her har, her soap, her hair, her skin, our apartment back in Toledo, her old bedroom, my car when she was in it, the way the air smelled on certain occasions. Each night I relive my old memories of her and I, and how happy I was then. But I'm genuinely confused. I don't know if I was happy because I was with her or because I was with someone. In the beginning, for at least the first 4 or 5 months, I know she loved me, and I loved her, she genuinely cared about me, showed it to me, proved it to me, then when I left for Florida, that's when things fell apart and were never the same. I think (I know) I held on to the image I had of her before, and believed that was still her. It's so bad I have trouble falling asleep, thinking about her. I miss what she meant to me, I miss having her near me, someone to hold during the night, someone to hug and someone to kiss. I want it all back... if she wasn't with Joe, or had those two kids, and had come back to me, I don't know what I'd say to her... even after all she's done... She's my comfort zone, I know her, and honestly, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel in my current love life. I'm back to that whole "I'm going to be single my whole life" idea again. I've spent my life being overly optimistic about everything, but life's really taken a toll on that, and there's not much I'm optimistic about anymore. I miss being loved, and I miss having someone to love...

I never slept so soundly Than with your breath on my neck

So much on my mind, so little time. I'll start with what's really irking me. All this being on my own and doing things for me seems to merely highlight that which I am missing in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm have a great time not worrying about anything but me right now, I'm doing things I like to do, but it's a hollow and short-lived joy. It's that feeling you get when you do something extraordinary, and you feel so good about yourself, and you look around to see the joy in another's eyes... but there's no one there, and your enjoyment whisks away with the breeze. It's similar to the feeling you get when you watch someone you care about having an absolutely wonderful and amazing time, and they're happier than they've ever been, and you're so happy for them, but then they wrap their arms around their significant other, and it hits you like a metric ton of bricks. You're alone. I take third place in the 9-ball Tournament of Champions here in Daytona. I was overjoyed, it was thrilling, exhilirating! I had a smile a country mile wide! I finished my last game, and hoped for a "good job" or "congratulations"... Instead, I walked to a barstool where my bookbag sat, put away my cue, and began my physics and statics homework. I run six-miles (or more) every other day (soon to be every day) by myself. I love running, it gets me away from everything to think. But sometimes, I like to run with someone, anyone. I finish running, go for a swim in the ocean, and get started on my homework. I bike 30-50 miles, and when I get back, I hit the books. I made a pizza from scratch, dough and sauce. I cleaned my car of all the sap, and vaccumed it. I clean the apartment (well, I used to, I've given up lately). I almost drowned in the Halifax river, after swimming too fast too soon and cramping up in the channel. I played a song and sang it all the way through flawlessly. I've cried during the last three movies I've watched. I read The Hobbit again in a matter of days. I sometimes cry myself to sleep. My motorcycle is almost running. I watched a few sunrises/sunsets...by myself. I've stood in awe of the power of approaching thunerstorms. I helped a lady with a flat tire... I not only bought a used tire, but paid to have the screw taken out of it, then put it on her car and drove off. The purpose of this was not to list my achievements, or accomplishments. The point I'm trying to make is that I did all these things because they made me feel good, but also made me realize that I don't have someone to share and spend them with. The sunrises I've seen on the beach, would be incomparable to what I've witnessed, if only I had someone with me. The movies I've cried during, would be even more tearful with someone special sitting close to me. I'd smile myself to sleep, with my arm around some special girl.

Part of the problem is, I've spent my life in the service of others. I've done little for myself. My mom did an overly-good job in teaching me about politeness, kindness, consideration, compassion, patience, and everything else that is good. I know how to take care of myself, that's not the point. The point is taking care of myself isn't as fulfilling as making someone else happy, or being the source of someone's happiness. When I do something to make someone else happy, it makes me happier than I could ever make myself. When I selflessly helped that lady with her shredded tire, I made her day, her week. She smiled so brightly and kindly, I'll never forget it. Of all the things I've done this summer alone, that has made me the happiest the longest. Making people happy is what my life is all about. It was much easier when I had just one person to make happy, but nothing I did could ever make her happy.

This kindess is paying off, though. By making friends I've almost landed a carpentry job at a construction company for $12/hr, but I'm not available during the day during school. I've been given a vintage Ovation Viper electric solid-body guitar. Yeah, GIVEN. Because I'm friendly, honest, sincere to people I meet. This is all well and good, but I'm waiting for the day I'll meet that girl who'll see me for who and what I am. She won't confuse my true self for the facade of the typical male. Too many girls see/meet me and think my kindess is an act, shortlived. Very few have gotten to know that I'm not fake. This is me, this is who I am. And I'm alone...

I'm feeling really good right now. I'm almost back to the way I was the summer after Casey left me; not a care in the world, feeling on top of said world, happy to be alive and free. I'm slowly stripping away my cares right now, and I'm feeling very good about it. I've been in such a good mood for well over a week, perhaps even two (actually, I'd have to say since I got my bike, May 31st). Getting that bike was a big statement for me. It's something that I wanted so badly, but a part of me told myself I'd never actually do it. So, I set out to prove myself wrong, and I did. That whole weekend away from everything was a great getaway, road-tripping with Paul, staying at his place, meeting his family, seeing the Pennsylvania countryside, it all cleansed me. It's my project, my baby, my toy. She's going to take up the time I'd usually spend dwelling, and you all know how I can dwell. Both last summer and the summer before (the summer after Casey), I had plenty to keep myself busy, I was learning the guitar, playing pool, and fixing a house the first summer, and the next I was building houses all day, and playing guitar in the evening. In between I've had schoolwork to keep me busy. All that time, I had nothing to live for, except to live for me, and I did. I enjoyed every minute of it. And I think it all went so well because there wasn't a prospect of love in my life at all. Sure, I sought out Sarah last summer, but I wasn't trying too hard, we were both busy. Then last semester, I got to know Rachel very well, and she became my interest, the recipient of all my attention. I was so determined to find the love I had missed out on for two years, that I kinda put everything else aside. I believe that love is what is important in this life, and I don't want to miss it. Everything else in life is just details, details that don't add up to anything in the end, you're born naked and alone, and you die naked and alone. What matters is if you die happy, and for me, to have the true love of another through to the very end, I'd die happy. But that's beside the point. It's been a good two months or more since I've even thought Rachel and I could be more than friends. It doesn't even enter my mind anymore, despite everyone thinking were dating, are married, or that we should date. It doesn't bother me anymore. But frankly, Mark was right, and I was wrong. There were times, a long time ago, when I'd leave her for the night, after a wonderful day/night together, and not so much as a hug or a kiss goodnight, and I turn to walk away, knowing full well that I can't be what I want to be to her... Fortunately, and though it may make me seem like an @$$hole, I don't feel that way anymore. When I say goodnight to Rachel, I'm not hoping for anything more than a well-wished goodnight in return. No longer do I wish for her to give me a hug and say goodnight, though it'd be nice... I have something that I never expected to get...something better, something that took me by surprise... Rachel is my best friend. Through everything, she's been there, even when I've been an @$$hole or been upset with her, she's been there. Her thoughtfulness, care and concern for me are beyond anything I ever hoped for. I've been through a lot in my short time on earth, I don't show it often, and hell, there's still more that not even Rachel knows about that I've been through. I'm sure she'll know at some point, we just haven't talked about it yet... I don't use what I've been through as an excuse for who I am, or what I do. For most of my life, I was my rock, I was my island, I counted on me to get me through everything. I took pretty good care of myself, for the most part. I had never met anyone to really put all my faith and trust into, until Rachel came along. I abandoned my island to go to her rock, her island. But, I overstayed my welcome, and she kicked me off her rock, albeit for my own benefit. So, I'm swimming back to my island, to take care of me again, but I'll always know that Rachel's right there. Thank you, Rachel, for everything... I love you with all my heart, you are my best friend. Thank you.

Wow, getting back to me is awesome! I should've done this a long time ago! My patience is returning to its normal length, and it's about time for that, it was really irritating me how easily I was getting upset. Everything's rolling off me pretty nicely lately, what would've set me off a few weeks ago, now passes with me hardly noticing. I really am feeling much like I did that first summer after Casey. I have a motorcycle now, I'm joining the Daytona Archers archery club, I'm joining the ERAU Sailing Club, Racquetball club, AIAA, and SAE in the fall, I'm in a pool league with Rachel, and 9-ball tournaments on Tuesdays/Thursdays. I even talked to a really cute girl for about 10 minutes (I'll save that story for later). I'm so excited to be moving in August, and possibly riding my bike back up to Ohio for my motorcycle endorsement test. I've impressed myself on how much I've done for me so far, I've accomplished so many little goals in such a small amount of time. There are many more than I've said here, and there are many more to go yet, but I'm getting there.

So basically, things are really starting to look up, I'm feeling much better. I don't have the cares I did before, and it's everything I thought it could be. Damn I feel good...

---

Anyways, so I'm at the bookstore at the mall, Walden Books. I'm sitting on the floor looking at some Nicholas Sparks books (The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, etc) when this really cute girl sits down next to me to look at the same books. After about a minute there, she asks me if I had read any of the Nicholas Sparks books. I told her no, that they were recommended to me by some friends. She had read The Notebook and loved it, and recommended it to me. She then asked me if I went to school here, and I said yes, Embry-Riddle, and she said she's from Ormond. We talked some small talk, life in Florida, what Ohio was like, for about 10 minutes or so, and I thought I'd give something a try. I asked her if she was busy later that evening, I'd love to get to know her better than I could in a book store. Here's what she told me: "I don't think my girlfriend would like that."

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. I couldn't pick up at all that she was a lesbian. Normally, my gaydar is pretty accurate (I have Casey to thank for that one). This was a first for me, in that I was completely comfortable talking to her (Alisha's (or Alicia's) her name, by the way), and wasn't nervous, or jittery, or stuttering, nothing. Perfectly calm. It worked like clockwork, talking to her and asking her out, but alas, twas my luck that another girl isn't interested in me. Perhaps I should visit the bookstore more often! It's great though, I had no hopes, no expectations, and I wasn't let down in the slightest when she turned me down like that, in fact, I found it kinda funny, when I thought about it all.

Heh, that's the story of my life...

I've never really been stressed out before. I've never dealt with stress, everything literally rolled off my back. However, these past few months, for unexplained reasons, my patience wore extremely thin, and things actually began to irritate me. I wasn't used to this, and didn't know how to deal. but I quickly knew the signs when I was stressed. A) My left eye twitches B) my right hand shakes C) I can drop my shoulders, and D) my neck screams for a massage. My eye no longer twitches, my hands are steady, and my shoulders are as relaxed as can be. My neck and back scream for a massage, but they've done that all my life, because no one gives the massouse a massage (I've had 2 back massages in my life). Needless to say, I'm feeling a lot better these past few days. A lot has gotten off my chest through various outlets, and I'm really feeling good about the choices and decisions I've made lately. I'm creating a new start for myself, a return to the old me, the guy who doesn't care. I spent a summer after Casey left me doing everything for me, and it was wondeful. I thought it was time to go back to living for others, but I guess I was wrong. So, here I go... back to me. I'm liking it so far, I know what I want, and I know what I have to do to get it...

Hokay, here goes...

I phucked up. And I'm scared I can't make things right again. I didn't mean for any of it to happen, but it did, and it's my fault. Every time I try to do what I want to do, someone close to me gets hurt. Rachel, I'm sorry. What you said to me, needed to be said. You're the first person to tell me what I needed to hear, not what I want to hear. Nobody's ever done that, except fo rmy mom. I'm not used to it, I've never really experienced it from my best friends before. I was upset with you because you were pointing out what I was doing wrong. Nobody likes that, but everyone needs to hear it. I needed to hear it. I was upset with you because it was my natural reaction to deep criticism. Any other time, and I would've had the patience and temperance to take the criticism and do something about it. I don't know where my patience and temperence have gone, but it's turning me into a different person. Rachel, I'm not perfect, I've never claimed to be. I had no right to be mad at you. I've been mad at you only twice since I've known you, and both times, I was in the wrong for getting upset. I realized my mistake shortly after, but not soon enough to keep you from being upset with me this time. I can't delete these blogs, per se, so I'll leave them up to remind me of how much of an asshole I can be.

So here's what I'm going to do, Rachel, and I hope it suits you. I've already started on this somewhat. I'm doing things on my terms. I'm already studying more than I have before. I've pulled my head out of my ass, I'm making an effort to go back to the person I was when I left Casey. I was me, I was free, I was all I needed. I don't have the time or the money to see a psychiatrist/psychologist. Maybe down the road, but I can get my shit together, I will get my shit together. I didn't come this far to whimper out now. I came to ERAU to be an Aeronautical Engineer, and that's what I mean to do. I've never backed down from anything I said I'd do, I've never quit, I've never given up, and I don't plan to start now. I'm still going to be the same friend I've always been to everyone, just a little more cautious, maybe a little more reserved, but if you need me, there's nothing I won't to do help, just like always. I've set some small goals for me, and right now, they're my hope, they're what I'm shooting for. If you really wanna know, ask me. I'm rediscovering why I want to be here, I'm finding why I wanted to be an aeronautical engineer again, and it's rejuvinating me. This is the catalyst I needed. I'm going to have my own apartment next semester, and I'll have a cat to keep me company. That thought is actually making me really happy. My own place on my own terms. Finally. My running is picking up. I'd like to run everyday. I'm building up, MWF I'm running on the beach with Paul, and TTH I'll bike like crazy. Though that'll soon be replaced by ISB bridge workouts. My situps and pushups in the morning and before bed are working out well. I need to start calling some of my friends back home that I've not talked to in a loooong time. I need to be my own rock, my own island.

Rachel, I'm deeply, truly sorry. Please don't hesitate to tell me when I'm doing something wrong. You've never been wrong, or led me astray. You've been my rock, my best friend, in such a short time. It's time I made myself a rock, you have your family, I have you, but I need to be my own rock. I may be hard to deal with until I get there, so please, I beg you, bear with me. I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong, even if I get upset first. Rachel, I love you with all my heart and soul, you mean the world to me, I don't want you to be upset with me. What I did was stupid, out of place, and wrong. Please forgive me...

New Rule for postings...

I'm sick of living for everyone else.  It brings me nothing but hurt.  I give my all to just about everyone I know, only to get walked on in return.  I try to make everyone happy, except myself.  When everyone is happy, I'm exhausted, and not happy.  So, I tried to make just one person happy, that worked for quite awhile, but I still wasn't happy.  So I'm trying to make just me happy, and it seems to upset me even more.  It also seems to make other people mad because it makes me seem like an asshole.  What the hell kind of double standard is this?  I make people happy, they use and abuse me, I make myself happy, they get pissed at me.  I can't fucking win.  I feel like my best friend is leaving me, though she says she'll always be there.  I'm disappointed in her, rather, I'm disappointed in me for doing that which I vowed never to do again.  Idealize someone.  I idealized Casey, and then I idealized Rachel.  The best things I saw in Casey, I saw in Rachel, without all the other crap.  She was perfect, flawless, and nothing could seem to change it, she was always right, purely logical, and never wrong.  She's effectively pushed me away, and it hurts me deeply.  I feel used again.  It's as if she got what she wanted out of me, and has no further use of me.  I hope that's not the case, but that sure is the way it feels.  I'm sick of everyone using and abusing me.  It only hurts me, so I've decided to do this on my own for once.  Nice guys really do finish fucking last.  Dead fucking last.  Why couldn't I be an asshole instead? But I can't, I'm the nice guy, and I can't change.  Many people tell me I'm the perfect guy, or I'd be the perfect boyfriend/husband/etc, or why can't there be more guys like me, then they go and screw around with the assholes of the male sex.  It's sickening, and I can't stand it.  Don't you think if you found something so perfect, so right, you'd want to grab hold of it and never let go? Yeah, I thought so too.  She's out there, though.  She's out there...

Okay, I really shouldn't have let two months go by without making a post here. This is one of my outlets, one of my vents, and I've had so much to vent about these past two months, I'm about to burst, if I haven't already. I just don't know anymore. I used to think I had it all figured out, how to live my life, who I was, what I was doing. Then I come to find this other world, shown to me by Rachel; a world of possibilities I never dreamed of. Things were so wonderful with her, whenever I was around her, it was like every care in the world washed away. I was calm, peaceful and most importantly, I was happy when I was with her. She was more than everything I ever wanted in a girlfriend, except for one thing: she wasn't attracted to me. So we chose to stay friends, and things were going great. Having abandoned all hope of going out with her, I proposed that we room together to help each other out, and she hesitatingly agreed. We/I had hopes and plans for living with her, and not one, not one thought revolved or was motivated by my feelings for her. If anything I was selfish, because around her, I feel more whole, and I get more done, study-wise. Then she tells me she won't live with me, but will live with the reason I'm leaving my current living situation. She picks him over me, because she fears my feelings for her will ruin everything. I'm getting very sick of this. She tells me in overly negative and that I should seek a psychiatrist. This has led me to one valuable lesson. Shut my goddamn mouth. I tell someone everything that goes on in my head and they tell me to seek help. It's not like that's my mind 24/7, just at the moment they ask me! I don't try to be the nice guy, I AM THE NICE GUY, and I get royally screwed every time. Not once has it paid off, not yet anyway. Life would be so much easier if I were an asshole. But I'm not, so I'm going to get kicked around, used and abused for awhile longer until I find someone who really appreciates me for who I am and what I do. I used to have godly patience, but lately, I'm finding it hard to have patience for much of anything. It's the story of my life: Continual knockdown, and yes, some of the knockdowns were my own fault, but I learned from then and it hasn't done a damn thing for me except lead to another let down. What the fuck am I doing so wrong with my life that my best friend tells me she can't listen to me talk anymore, she won't live with me, and tells me to see a shrink?!? So I'm still not quite over my ex, whoppie-do, I don't think about her all the damn time, just when certain things happen, like I see couples, or lovey-stuff. In the middle of her speech about telling me she wasn't living with me, I plotted out my next year's plans, right there, as she continued to talk. I didn't care anymore. I was so upset and pissed off. I was on the verge of tears, but I wasn't going to let her see me cry this time. Right then and there, I made up my mind to get my own apartment, away from everyone else, cheaply, get a cat, and basically never show my face, spending all my time studying. I need to get out of here, I need to find someone who appreciates ME as much as I'd appreciate them. I've done nothing wrong, and that's what's the most discouraging. I do nothing but everything for everyone else, and all I get is walked on. To hell with it all. I'm going my own way, doing my own thing. I don't care if it doesn't work, I'm sick of living my life for everyone else. I've neglected me for too long, hell, I don't even know what I really like anymore. It's bullshit, really. 22 years of doing everything for others, and I've got a divorce, a lawsuit, 2 years behind in school, no girlfriend, a best friend telling me to see a quack, and a raging headache for three days. I'm sick of it. You want to know how I feel? What's on my mind? Ask me genuinely, and maybe, maybe, I'll tell you. I'm not going to be the open book I used to be. An open book is easily read, and quickly taken advantage of. I'm sick of it. Give me something to hope for again... Rachel, you were by far, the most perfect everything... you were my hope, and my hopes are shattered. I want something else to hope for, love is all that matters in this life. The rest is just details. In the end, its who you love, and who loves you, not what you did in school or your career. All you need is love... nice guys finish last... I've got nobody to love...